Funny New Year Jokes

1:My Νew Year’s resolution Ιs to eat Βetter, sο from now n, Ι am going tο οnly date guys ωho can afford tο take me Sοmewhere other than Kenchic

2:Τhis year my Νew Year’s resolution Ιs to win Τhe lottery. Τhat way, Ιf I can not keep Μy resolution, Ι can Αt least blame sοmeone else. 

3.I was going to quit all my bad habits for the new year, but then I remembered that nobody likes a quitter.

4:Εvery New Year’s Ι have Τhe same question, “Hοw did Ι get hοme?"

5:What do you tell someone you didn't see at New Year's Eve? I haven't seen you for a year!

6:New Year's is just a holiday created by calendar companies who don't want you reusing last year's calendar.

7:May all your troubles last as long as your New Year’s resolutions.

8:Let's not spend New Year's Eve trying to figure out where to spend New Year's Eve. 

christmass jokes and oneliners

courtesy of sister page jokes254.blogspot.com

Here is a list of funny Christmas jokes that will make your day. Do not forget to share
1.Who is Santa Claus married to?
Mary Christmas!

2.What did Adam say on the day before Christmas?
It's Christmas, Eve!

3. The 4 stages of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You dress up as Santa Claus
4. You look like Santa Claus

3. I never believed in Santa Claus because I knew no white dude would come into my neighborhood after dark.

4. What is the best xmas present in the world?
A broken drum, you just can't beat it!

5. For Christmas I want Santa’s list of naughty girls.

6. Dear Santa, I was framed.

7. Why does Santa go down the chimney on Christmas Eve?
Because it 'soots' him!

8. What did Santa say to the smoker?
Please don't smoke, it's bad for my elf!

9. Where does Santa go when he's sick?
To the elf centre!
-Knock knock
*Who's there?
-Mary!
*Mary who?
-Merry Christmas

UEFA champions league round of 16 draw

Chelsea vs paris saint Germain
Juventus vs Borussia Dormund
Schalke 04 vs Real madrid
Barcelona vs Mancity
Shaktar Donesk vs Bayern munchen
Arsenal vs Monaco
Porto fc vs fc Basel
Bayer leverkusen vs Athletico madrid

Funniest Ever Description of Kenyan University

As my friend is working hard to get admission to Stanford, I can’t help but empathize with him because I know why. You see in Kenya, Higher education / learning is simply a façade; another four
years (or more) of your life going to waste. Yet you still ask why life is so short. In JKUAT, the narrow- mindedness is so sharp; it actually cuts your IQ into half. The boys here have only two motives; get a sub- woofer and get a girl to move in with you. It’s all about status quo and the more the noise that blasts from your room the higher your ‘status.’ For those living within the school compound, the story is a bit different; who cares about status when the bedbugs are baying for your blood! It is easy to be a girl in JKUAT as there are very few; just be as rare as possible as, rarer than Jadeite, which is the rarest gemstone. You are not to be seen in the mess or hall where simpletons gather. You are to be revered. Of course it doesn’t help if you are unsightly. By that, I mean that anyone who casts a glance on you always tries to erase that memory as soon as possible lest they
get ghastly dreams. I swear if it weren’t’ t for wigs and skirts, I would confuse quite a number of girls for men.

As for K. U ., the first thing you learn is that buildings are more important than students , students are a commodity that bring in money to fund the expansionist plans of that mad woman, Olive Mugenda. OH, you got a fail in some units, it doesn’t matter. Olive doesn’t want to discontinue you because it means she’ll lose money. It doesn’t help that K .U . awards more first class honors than every
other university in Kenya combined . The first thing you learn in K .U . is that Olive is The Fuhrer , the law , the alpha and omega . When she builds a mall instead of building more hostels, you are not to question her. You are simply to pay school fees, and in time. If K .U . was a bakery , it would be the kind that produces half- baked bread. If you aren’ t cheating in an exam in K. U . then probably you are the lecturer ’s mistress . If you are a boy, too bad, you only have one venue. Maybe they should append the universities doctors graduated from to their titles . I don’t know about you but I personally never want to be treated by a doctor from K. U . or Mount Kenya University for that matter . I’d rather die . What is medical treatment anyway, isn ’t it delaying the inevitable ? Talking about medicine, I have a friend who wants to do Medicine simply because no other course befits his ‘A ’. Now let that sink deep in for a while. Has it sunk yet? No , give it a minute or two. By now if it hasn’ t sunk in yet ,then you are probably a product of Zetech College. When I asked my father why he chose to pursue Medicine back then, he gave me a long story of how he used to volunteer to help in a small hospital in his hometown during his teenage years. The story is actually long but the bottom line is that he had a passion for it from the onset and knew what it took.

Nowadays if someone isn’t doing Medicine for the prestige , they are probably doing it for the money . It doesn’t help that half of the class in UoN Medicine is privately sponsored aka ‘parallel. ’ There is money to be minted in Kenya, not even earned; you just need to be the dean of some medical school . 500, 000 KES, cold hard
cash per semester! I’ d rather use that money to study in South Africa, India or even Australia. Good Lord! People have money in Kenya. Why was I born so late? Then the lawyers. At this point, the creators of ‘Suits ’ should give themselves a pat on their backs for having unleashed an entire generation of young visionless Kenyans whose only dream is to become Lawyers . Their dream is so clear; donning jet- black designer suits, with sheer mark of genius solving the cases that even Sherlock couldn ’t fathom, finally popping some Chardonnay to celebrate the victory in court. I hate to be the one to wake you up from this dream, good as it may be but the Kenyan Law system is almost defunct . My crystal ball tells me that these herds of young lawyers unleashed upon the Kenyan job market will be so many that Kenya’ s main export will become lawyers. That is when you see people rushing to do MBAs and other what - not’s because they wasted their years in Law school. Blame Suits people, blame Suits. No don’t blame suits, blame herd mentality.

If my sources are true, UoN students will be striking next week. Which is kind of a surprise, I mean, what took them so long, the scene was a bit dull without their stone- throwing, road - blocking, window- smashing shenanigans . UoN is like the Gor Mahia of universities in Kenya. Obstinate, smug, rowdy but most of all, we know where they both excel. I mean, what do you expect when your own student leader is
friends with the likes of Kamlesh Pattni and Raila Odinga. UoN is a perfect mirror of Kenyan society. The classism is so well defined. The rich are rich and the poor are nothing. Elections there make Samuel Kivuitu grin in his grave. Campaigns, murders, rigging, more campaigns, more murders , more rigging . By the time UoN is done with its students, it leaves them with only one predisposition; to always correct people when they forget to add ‘The’ before saying ‘University of Nairobi. ’ If USIU is where rich parents dump their dumb children, Strathmore must be where rich parents dump their not - so- dumb children. Strathmore is the kind of university that will make sure the whole Kenya knows that Bob Collymore or Willy Mutunga gave a speech in their university. Yes, Strathmore is a great place but until it produces the next Steve Jobs or someone close, I’ll keep my reservations about it. At most, it is simply a compensation for kids who couldn ’t make it to study abroad and were too cool for parallel programs in these public universities .It’s not that I have anything against religion but I just can’t stomach these church based universities . A place like Baraton , you are definitely better off in Nazi Germany. SDAs are like modern
day Pharisees, so stuck up. Now imagine attending an SDA
university. High school rules are even more
relaxed in comparison.

I don’t know much about CUEA but it’s like the Strathmore for broke parents though it seems a bit more laissez -faire. There are these peripheral universities; Moi University, Egerton, Masinde Muliro etc. They just make you think peripherally. Students from these universities are nowhere to be seen, it is like they just disappeared into nowhere. Honestly I don’t even know what to write about them because they can hardly be felt. It’s like they are not even part
of Kenyan History.

Finally, the mushroom universities. You know them. They are usually named ‘ something something university college.’ HAHAHA. They are always springing up left, right and center . The degrees they are offering are even more questionable. Something like driving becomes transformed into Automobile Transportation Engineer. Like mushrooms, I’m waiting for them to disappear.
So by all means , to my friend, apply to Stanford . I hope you get admitted. In Kenya, there is nothing like higher education /learning . This article is one that
was truncated by
WhatsApp .

Hilarious Article: Men You Should Never Date

This is the article that has really angered men. If you are broke,short and come from eastllando please don't read.
The Men I Can Never Date
I cannot date a short guy. No, I just can’t. I
will friend-zone you even before I learn your
name. When a short guy tries to chat me up, I
get this inexplicable impulse to reach down
and pat him on the head like you would a
puppy. We cant be in a relationship and I am
towering over you in my seven inch heels! I
will look down on you: literally and
figuratively. It just wouldn’t work.
How am I supposed to get romantic with a
short dude? The best part about making about
making out is when you tip toe and your guy
lifts you up into him. You cant do that with a
short guy! What with him barely making it
above your boobs! The 69 position is also
definitely out of the question with a short
guy! I cant explain it. It is maths. Something
about angles and symmetry.
You know when a guy embraces you and you
settle perfectly on his chest? Not with a short
guy! He will hanging on awkwardly around
your boobs trying not to suffocate in your
cleavage.
So you see, it is nothing personal. I just cant
date short dudes!
broke niggas.
I have my own definition of a broke nigga. If
you make less than me, you are a broke nigga!
I make a pretty tidy sum at the end of the
month FYI. That pretty much eliminates three
quarters of the eligible (read tall ) blokes hot
on my heels. But hey, a brother can dream.
Ladies, if you have ever accepted to go on a
date at a fast food joint, get down on your
knees and repent for you have sinned. I will
be damned if I ever let a guy take me to Mc
frys for a date. And just because it sounds
fancy doesn’t make it any less of a fast food
joint so ditto for steers, KFC galitos and
chicken inn. I am not coming to your house
to eat the microwaved leftovers of your
mother’s mashed potatoes either.
I expect a guy to treat me to a nice meal in a
fancy restaurant that doesn’t have pictures in
the menu!
The reason is simple; I ain’t lowering my
standards for no nigga! You should be able to
top what I can do for myself. But that is just
me. What do you think?
3; ghetto dudes. (Eastlando).
I know they all fall under broke niggas but
they deserve a post of their own.
These people are a special species. They are
in their own class of human.
Like something is not quite right with their
genetic make-up. Maybe the
conditions during fertilization were a bit off
so they mutated into what they are today.
Anyway, every time I interact with them, I get
bad vibes.
This union would be doomed from the get-go.
Communication is paramount in a relationship
and everyone knows they wouldn’t construct a
coherent English
sentence if their lives depended on it and
sheng just isn’t my forte.
How would you even come on to me?
“Nijeaz mresh. Izo mbana za nangoz?
Nitakuvutia.”
(Shudder)
So sorry kind sir, but I have no intentions of
raising kids in kayole!
Then you would probably insist that I call you
by your street/thug name. I
can’t!
I know this may be hard to swallow, but
touting is not a career. There is
something very unsettling about a grown man
dangling on a bus
4 Dudes who listen to Riddimz.
No self respecting person would ever go near
this poor excuse for a music genre! It is
atrocious! If you are over 20 years and still
listening to this crap, you need to evaluate
your life’s decisions. You are a disgrace to the
human race! Your mother didn’t carry you in
the womb for nine months to listen to
riddimz! In high school it was acceptable
because you were a wimpy ass sissy who
couldn’t stand on your own two feet so when
riddimz became ‘the thing’ you shamelessly
followed the crowd. Plus you lived in
eastlando so you didn’t know any better.
Your taste in music (or lack of) speaks
volumes about you. Riddimz just scream
unsophisticated, uncultured and uncivilized.
That is not a combination you want in a
future spouse. Whenever I see a grown man
still cranking riddimz, I die a little inside. Just
when you are beginning to think it can’t
possibly get any worse, he greets you in a
fake Jamaican dialect! I can’t.
People who listen to riddimz have deep-
seated emotional issues. Someone probably
touched them where they shouldn’t have
when they were young.
Riddimz is their form of rebelling. Now, you
don’t want a man with emotional baggage, do
you?
5 Dudes who are not romantic.
Kenyan men wouldn’t know romance if it
kicked them in the teeth! That is one concept
that has completely eluded them. But I blame
the ladies. Yes, I blame you ladies for showing
him that all it takes to get you to drop your
panties is kuku pono and chipo at Mcfrys.
Thank you ladies for letting him know that
when he buys you 100 shillings airtime, you
are up and running to board a Forward
travelers matatu to go to his crib in Kayole.
Ladies, I owe it to you that all dudes believe
that if they take you to Masaku sevens, you
will be more than willing to open your legs,
or mouth or whatever. Never mind that you
spend the night in a shady lodging getting up-
close and personal with bedbugs.
Article Written By By Nancy Roxanne

Funny misspelled signs and billboards

EPL FIXTURE 2015-2015

Here is;the english premier league fixture,arsenal 2014-2015,Manchester United 2014-2015 fixture,Chelsea 2014-2015 fixture,Manchester United 2014-2015  fixtures and liverpool 2014-2015 fixture!

KERMIT THE FROG MEMES

Kermit the frog is the new voice of sacarsm!Just enjoy the pics

Kikuyu, Luo and Luhya Jokes

First it was Luo is not a tribe but a calling/luo is not a tribe but a lifestyle.Then Gatundu south Mp said that Kikuyu is not a tribe but an enterprise.So now Kenyans have started making fun of tribes which  do not have "slogans" especially the luhyas.Here are some of them
1:Luhya is not a tribe, its an eating disorder
2: kama jaluo ni software, KIKUYU_NI_HARDWARE
na wakamba ni ma_underwear
3: kalenjin is not a tribe its a race.
4: Luhya is not a tribe but an appetite.
5.Luhya is not a tribe but an eating machine.
6:Luhya is not a tribe but a menu.
7:Luhya is not a tribe but a diet.
8:Luhya is not a tribe but a recipe.

VERAH SIDIKA JOKES

After Verah Sidika kutoa tint,sasa ameongeza headlights.yes,she got boob implants,kenyans on social media did not go easy on her and here are some of the best jokes and pics:
Its Only Vera Sidika who has ever gotten 3 shout outs by Vybz kartel In 1 song. Hey black girl,Hey white girl, bleach out girl,how you feeling? Antony Amimo
Hehe..ntaogopa hata kuvuta sigara
karibu na wewe.. Unaeza waka moto

Joy Love
Uko sawa aki...am the first lady to
appreciate u in this.do me a favour
unipe hiyo weave ukiitoa
Justin Kiprono Kandagor
Congratulations BITCH
Please inform KEBS wakuwai lable ya
MADE IN CHINA

Beryl Wanga Itindi
Kindly remember your brain too as
you continue to enlarge your body
parts. It is important that your
internal organs are at par with your
external organs.
The only thing left is for u to go to
CHINA nd come back with a
VACHINAlove the hair,matiti ata
umbwa ina nane,na haitusumbui

MOST HATED WOMAN BY WOMEN IN KENYA?PROPERBLY

Here is the article
Njoki Chege is properbly the most hated woman by her fellow women. This is because of an article she wrote. I do not blame them actually,just read it!
Why does a man cheat? Because he
can? No, really, tell me, why would
a good man, a God-fearing church
going man who sings in the
church choir cheat on his wife or
girlfriend? Is it because he is a
wicked piece of junk that has
completely lost his moral compass
or because he is a greedy,
insatiable human incapable of
being content?
There are several reasons why a
man cheats, but as a woman, have
you ever thought that you could be
the reason why your husband
strayed? That you could have
contributed one hundred per cent
to driving him up the wall, so
much that he couldn’t take it
anymore?
I see you are getting vexed and
disgusted, but truth be told, you
are a contributing factor to your
husband’s philandering ways and I
have proof!
You are fat: I like to call a spade
a spade, so when I see a fat girl, I
will call her fat and not sugarcoat
the truth (pun intended). Most
married women I know are fat.
Children or no children, you have
lost your physical attractiveness
and you have been reduced to a
blob. Rolls upon rolls of fat and
flesh jiggling around the city like
nobody’s business. I look at some
married women and I pity their
husbands, asking myself “How do
you get turned on by that?” or
‘How do you wash all that?” I
understand that the vagaries of life
and childbirth take its toll on a
woman’s body but, ladies; can you
shove this stinking attitude of
‘plus-size and loving it’? It is time
women stopped lying to themselves
that big is beautiful, that plus size
is attractive and that what matters
is what is on the inside. To hell
with inner beauty! Who gets
turned on by inner beauty? Who
cares if you have a wonderful
heart and a wiggly mass of flesh
for a behind? Big is not beautiful.
Those tires around your waist are
not love handles; they are ugly,
unsightly and downright
unattractive. Those flabby arms
are not sexy at all, they are
disgusting to look at and you must
tone them! Those stretch marks
are not beauty marks of childbirth,
they are as a result of your
uncontrolled consumption of
insurmountable loads of food and
you need to stop eating like a pig.
A man can afford a potbelly and
get away with being assumed as
rich but an overweight woman is a
disgrace to the womenfolk. Do
away with your thunder thighs
ladies, they are excess baggage you
don’t need. If it has been two
years since you had a child and
your tummy still wobbles when
you brush your teeth then you are
a lazy bum who needs to find a
treadmill right now. I don’t care if
you have a busy schedule or four
kids, if you have time to down an
entire thermos of uji, then girl, you
got time to hit the gym! Stop
giving your husbands a tough time
by expecting them to look away
when they see a woman with a
great body pass by when you
resemble a baby hippo!
You are an idle nag: You are fat,
and then, you are a nag. How
difficult can your husband’s life
get? Your physical
unattractiveness sticks out like a
sore thumb and you want to
reduce your chances of happiness
by topping it up with being an idle
nag who cannot leave her husband
in peace? If he tells you he is in
the pub with wazee why the hell
would you bombard his phone with
texts and calls asking him where
he is? What you need is to get a
life, friends, a pet or a hobby. Hit
the ground running with projects
at work and oh…signing up for the
gym is a great place to start. It
takes a lot of your time and takes
your mind off stuff. A nagging
woman, no matter how physically
attractive you are, will end up with
a cheating husband who is not
sorry for straying. For goodness
sake, stop going through his
goddam phone and will you stop
asking who ‘Sheila’ is?
You have no sense of fashion:
The first thing you notice about a
woman is her fashion sense. Then
her face and then her physical
appearance. I have seen some of
you show up in the office looking
like you were run over by a truck.
Your clothes are distasteful and ill-
fitting and your hair looks like it’s
been vandalized by rodents. How
much will it cost you to dress well?
How much will it cost you to do
away with the ugly tent dresses
and drab jeans? Are you so
backward that you cannot even flip
through a fashion magazine or
fashion blog to look at the latest
fashion trends. How long will it
take you to put some lipstick and
heels on? I don’t expect you to
wear six-inch heels, but what is a
woman that cannot sashay and
strut her stuff in a sexy pair of
heels? Is your life so miserable
that you cannot be creative enough
to have another hairstyle besides
that stinking plastic bird nest you
call a weave? Ladies, competition
is rife and there are very many
attractive women walking around
this town. Just because you are
hitched with three children does
not mean you must squeeze
yourself in that sickening faded
pair of trousers and flat shoes. Just
because you are somebody’s
mother doesn’t mean that you
can’t show some leg here and
cleavage there. Who says because
you are a born-again mother of
four and devoted wife that you
cannot look fantastic and decent in
a figure hugging dress?
You are lazy and boring: Let’s
face it. Since you got married you
have become a boring, dull and
gloomy stay-at-home mother and
wife whose one and only goal is to
raise children. You will be damned
if you expect your husband to
follow suit. You have lost your
taste for fun and your idea of fun
is taking the children out for chips
and swimming. Your husband does
not crave your company anymore
and the only place you go together
is church, visiting family and
friends. You let your husband go
alone for jogging or to the gym
and you think he will not cheat on
you with the chic that reminds him
to go for jogging? If you are not
your husband’s recreational
partner, then somebody else will
be. A pretty young thing that
understands there is more to life
than sitting at home watching
Nigerian movies and Corazon
Indomable (soap opera). The truth
is, if your husband doesn’t find
you fun to be with, don’t expect
him to find you sexually attractive.
So there you have it, if you are fat,
lazy, boring, unstylish and a
sickening nag, need I tell you more
why he’s been sexting Sheila?

TRANSFERS NEWS:EPL,LA LIGA,BUNDESLIGA,SERIE A,LIGUE 1

Done Deals so far :
1:Toni Kroos [ Bayern Munich - Real
Madrid ] 25M
2:Suarez [ Liverpool - Barcelona ]
75M
3:Robert Lewandowski [ BVB -
Bayern
Munich ] Undisclosed
4:Alexis Sanchez [Barcelona -
Arsenal] In
the region of £35m
5:Mario Mandzukic [Bayern Munich -
Atletico Madrid] Undisclosed
6:Gareth Barry [Manchester City -
Everton]
Free
7:Willy Caballero [Malaga -
Manchester
City] £6m
8:Ashley Cole [Chelsea - Roma] Free
9:Eric Abidal [Monaco - Olympiakos]
Undisclosed
10:Emre Can [Bayer Leverkusen -
Liverpool]
£10m
11:Ryan Gauld [Dundee United -
Sporting
Lisbon] Undisclosed
12:Diego Costa [Atletico Madrid -
Chelsea]
£32m
13:Siem de Jong [Ajax - Newcastle]
Undisclosed
14:Bravo [ Sociedad - Barcelona ]
Undisclosed
15:Kaka [AC Milan - Orlando City]
Free
16:Adam Lallana [Southampton -
Liverpool]
£25m
17:Ivan Rakitic [Sevilla - Barcelona]
Undisclosed
18:Alexander Buttner [Manchester
United
- Dynamo Moscow] £4.4m (initial)
18:Luke Shaw [Southampton -
Manchester
United] £27m (rising to £31m
depending on success)
19:Ander Herrera [ Bilbao - United ]
25M
20:Fernando [Porto - Manchester City]
In
region of £12m
21:Jake Livermore [Tottenham - Hull]
£8m
(reported)
22:Joleon Lescott [Manchester City -
West
Brom] Free
23:David Luiz [Chelsea - Paris St-
Germain]
£40m (reported)
24:Bacary Sagna [Arsenal -
Manchester
City] Free
25:Cesc Fabregas [Barcelona -
Chelsea] £30m
(reported)
26:Jack Colback [Sunderland -
Newcastle]
Free
27:Seydou Keita [Valencia - Roma]
Free
28:David Villa [New York City -
Melbourne City] Loan
(from October)
29:Ciro Immobile [Torino - Borussia
Dortmund]
£15.5m (reported)*
30:Rickie Lambert [Southampton -
Liverpool]
£4m
40:M.Stegen [ Borussia M'gladbach -
Barcelona .

MPESA TRICKS:SAVE MONEY

Did u know you can spend less on
MPESA?
‘GRANT YOURSELF A DISCOUNT’…..
1. To withdraw 200 costs Ksh27
Alternatively: Withdraw 100 @10,
Then another 100 @10
Total= 20. SAVE 7bob.
2. To withdraw 5,000 costs you
Ksh 66
Alternatively: Withdraw 2500 @27,
then another 2500 @27
Total= 54. SAVE 12bob
3. To withdraw 12000 costs you
Ksh 159
Alternatively: Withdraw 10,000
@110, then the remaining 2000
@27
Total= 137. SAVE 22bob.
4. To withdraw 40,000 costs you
Ksh 275
Alternatively: Withdraw 35,000
@187, then the remaining 5,000
@66
Total= 253.....SAVE 22bob.
5. To withdraw 10,100 costs you
Ksh 159
Alternatively: Withdraw 10,000
@110 then the remaining 100
@10
Total= 120. SAVE
39bob….etc.etc….
Pia.... ukitaka kutumia mtu 200 ni
33bob bt if u send 100 @5 n
anatha 100@5 utasave 23 bob
See?
DO NOT WORK HARD,WORK SMART!

WORLD CUP BRAZIL 2014 MOST MEMORABLE MOMENTS

1.It has to be suares' dinner.No body will forget Suarez bite.This was the third time that suarez ate at work,literally!
2.Brazil thrashing.No one expected Brazil to have a saba saba and yet they did.
3.Cameroon fighters.It all started with Alex song elbowing Mandzukic.Then a defender head butted his fellow countrymen.They did not stop their as they took the fight to the dressing room.
4.James Rodriguez:The colombian wonder boy out did every other player with his wonderful goals.It such a shame that they got knockout out in the quarters but he still won the golden boot.
5.Arsene Wenger groundy:I had to see it to believe it!Wenger did it this time.
6.Germany winning the worldcup.They totally deserved it.
7.Costa Rica:This is the team that surprised everyone.They were bound to be knockout at the group stages but they surprised everyone only to be eliminated in the quaters on penalties by the dutch!
8.The flying dutchman:Robbin Van Persie header against spain is unforgetable.
9.
10:Brazil fans:Priceless

FOOTBALL vs SEX

mFootball vs Sex.
1. Going to your bf/gf without
being invited = OFFSIDE.
2. Dating a girl today and having
sex on the same day = FREE-KICK.
3. Condom = GOALKEEPER
4. Condom breaks = PENALTY
5. Abortion = RED CARD
6. A girl with lots of energy =
CAPTAIN
7. Having sex without a condom =
OWN GOAL
8. Taking a lot of time without
coming = MAN OF THE MATCH.
9.Banging 3 girls in a day = HAT-
TRICK.
10. Having many chicks and
banging all = MVP
11. Having sex with your ex =
FRIENDLY MATCH
12. 8 years of sex without getting
a child = ARSENAL
13. After 2 rounds, u request for
more =EXTRA TIME.
14. Taking it gently when having
sex = FAIR PLAY
15. Biting her n!pples = SUAREZ
16.Two legs on shoulder =
THROWIN
17. Asking her 'how do you want
it' = Taking instructions on the
sideline.
18. A lady using pills after sex
and later still got pregnant =
DEFENSIVE ERROR
19.Girl being pregnant =
GoOoOoOallllll
20.Ur guy collect ur chick= True
pass
21.Having sex with a girl..and
your mum open d door= Injury
22.You and your girl break up=
Game over
23. Girl tell u to stop= YELLOW
CARD

MUTUTHO WANTS MASAKU 7S BANNED!

 MASAKU 7S PICTURES
The man with nine lives is at it again! This time Mr. Mututho wants the famous Machakos rugby tournament banned.To some this is adding salt to injury considering it was only last week when Mututho banned some Shisha flavors claiming that they hard traces of heroine and bhang.

Masaku 7s was a heaven for any party animal and nothing less than Sodom and Gomorrah for a serious Christian.....and thats why we loved it

WORLD CUP 2014 DICTIONARY

DICTIONARY UPDATES FROM
WORLD CUP
•Song=beaten
•Cameroon=fight
•Ayew=naked
•Enyeama = save
•England = unlucky
•Suarez = bite
•Spain = disgrace
•Costa rica = surprise
•Netherland = hot
•Cote d'ivoire = Ouch
Some examples of how to use the
new words are;
>The night runner ran Ayew
>The thief was songed by the police
>I saw a dog Suarez a little boy
today
>My girlfriend is too Netherland
for you
>My dad gave me a Costa Rica gift
yesterday
>Father Lord, pls Enyeama those
234 girls from Boko Haram
>Cote d'ivoire!!... I hit my leg
against a stone

Handsome Mugshot

Linda Okello a Kenyan traffic police woman made all the men go crazy now its the turn of american  women .This time its not a police but  a policeman's bestfriend,a criminal.
The Stockton Police department posted a mug shot of a 30 year old  suspected male   criminal on their face book page which had  got 68,687 likes,over 100,000 comments plus over 600 shares in less than 48hours .
After his arrest the ladies have even started a page to raise his $900,000 bale.Just look at his mug shot n some edited ,this guy should be a model!!