This is the article that has really angered men. If you are broke,short and come from eastllando please don't read.
The Men I Can Never Date
I cannot date a short guy. No, I just can’t. I
will friend-zone you even before I learn your
name. When a short guy tries to chat me up, I
get this inexplicable impulse to reach down
and pat him on the head like you would a
puppy. We cant be in a relationship and I am
towering over you in my seven inch heels! I
will look down on you: literally and
figuratively. It just wouldn’t work.
How am I supposed to get romantic with a
short dude? The best part about making about
making out is when you tip toe and your guy
lifts you up into him. You cant do that with a
short guy! What with him barely making it
above your boobs! The 69 position is also
definitely out of the question with a short
guy! I cant explain it. It is maths. Something
about angles and symmetry.
You know when a guy embraces you and you
settle perfectly on his chest? Not with a short
guy! He will hanging on awkwardly around
your boobs trying not to suffocate in your
cleavage.
So you see, it is nothing personal. I just cant
date short dudes!
broke niggas.
I have my own definition of a broke nigga. If
you make less than me, you are a broke nigga!
I make a pretty tidy sum at the end of the
month FYI. That pretty much eliminates three
quarters of the eligible (read tall ) blokes hot
on my heels. But hey, a brother can dream.
Ladies, if you have ever accepted to go on a
date at a fast food joint, get down on your
knees and repent for you have sinned. I will
be damned if I ever let a guy take me to Mc
frys for a date. And just because it sounds
fancy doesn’t make it any less of a fast food
joint so ditto for steers, KFC galitos and
chicken inn. I am not coming to your house
to eat the microwaved leftovers of your
mother’s mashed potatoes either.
I expect a guy to treat me to a nice meal in a
fancy restaurant that doesn’t have pictures in
the menu!
The reason is simple; I ain’t lowering my
standards for no nigga! You should be able to
top what I can do for myself. But that is just
me. What do you think?
3; ghetto dudes. (Eastlando).
I know they all fall under broke niggas but
they deserve a post of their own.
These people are a special species. They are
in their own class of human.
Like something is not quite right with their
genetic make-up. Maybe the
conditions during fertilization were a bit off
so they mutated into what they are today.
Anyway, every time I interact with them, I get
bad vibes.
This union would be doomed from the get-go.
Communication is paramount in a relationship
and everyone knows they wouldn’t construct a
coherent English
sentence if their lives depended on it and
sheng just isn’t my forte.
How would you even come on to me?
“Nijeaz mresh. Izo mbana za nangoz?
Nitakuvutia.”
(Shudder)
So sorry kind sir, but I have no intentions of
raising kids in kayole!
Then you would probably insist that I call you
by your street/thug name. I
can’t!
I know this may be hard to swallow, but
touting is not a career. There is
something very unsettling about a grown man
dangling on a bus
4 Dudes who listen to Riddimz.
No self respecting person would ever go near
this poor excuse for a music genre! It is
atrocious! If you are over 20 years and still
listening to this crap, you need to evaluate
your life’s decisions. You are a disgrace to the
human race! Your mother didn’t carry you in
the womb for nine months to listen to
riddimz! In high school it was acceptable
because you were a wimpy ass sissy who
couldn’t stand on your own two feet so when
riddimz became ‘the thing’ you shamelessly
followed the crowd. Plus you lived in
eastlando so you didn’t know any better.
Your taste in music (or lack of) speaks
volumes about you. Riddimz just scream
unsophisticated, uncultured and uncivilized.
That is not a combination you want in a
future spouse. Whenever I see a grown man
still cranking riddimz, I die a little inside. Just
when you are beginning to think it can’t
possibly get any worse, he greets you in a
fake Jamaican dialect! I can’t.
People who listen to riddimz have deep-
seated emotional issues. Someone probably
touched them where they shouldn’t have
when they were young.
Riddimz is their form of rebelling. Now, you
don’t want a man with emotional baggage, do
you?
5 Dudes who are not romantic.
Kenyan men wouldn’t know romance if it
kicked them in the teeth! That is one concept
that has completely eluded them. But I blame
the ladies. Yes, I blame you ladies for showing
him that all it takes to get you to drop your
panties is kuku pono and chipo at Mcfrys.
Thank you ladies for letting him know that
when he buys you 100 shillings airtime, you
are up and running to board a Forward
travelers matatu to go to his crib in Kayole.
Ladies, I owe it to you that all dudes believe
that if they take you to Masaku sevens, you
will be more than willing to open your legs,
or mouth or whatever. Never mind that you
spend the night in a shady lodging getting up-
close and personal with bedbugs.
Article Written By By Nancy Roxanne
