Funny New Year Jokes

1:My Νew Year’s resolution Ιs to eat Βetter, sο from now n, Ι am going tο οnly date guys ωho can afford tο take me Sοmewhere other than Kenchic

2:Τhis year my Νew Year’s resolution Ιs to win Τhe lottery. Τhat way, Ιf I can not keep Μy resolution, Ι can Αt least blame sοmeone else. 

3.I was going to quit all my bad habits for the new year, but then I remembered that nobody likes a quitter.

4:Εvery New Year’s Ι have Τhe same question, “Hοw did Ι get hοme?"

5:What do you tell someone you didn't see at New Year's Eve? I haven't seen you for a year!

6:New Year's is just a holiday created by calendar companies who don't want you reusing last year's calendar.

7:May all your troubles last as long as your New Year’s resolutions.

8:Let's not spend New Year's Eve trying to figure out where to spend New Year's Eve. 

christmass jokes and oneliners

courtesy of sister page jokes254.blogspot.com

Here is a list of funny Christmas jokes that will make your day. Do not forget to share
1.Who is Santa Claus married to?
Mary Christmas!

2.What did Adam say on the day before Christmas?
It's Christmas, Eve!

3. The 4 stages of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You dress up as Santa Claus
4. You look like Santa Claus

3. I never believed in Santa Claus because I knew no white dude would come into my neighborhood after dark.

4. What is the best xmas present in the world?
A broken drum, you just can't beat it!

5. For Christmas I want Santa’s list of naughty girls.

6. Dear Santa, I was framed.

7. Why does Santa go down the chimney on Christmas Eve?
Because it 'soots' him!

8. What did Santa say to the smoker?
Please don't smoke, it's bad for my elf!

9. Where does Santa go when he's sick?
To the elf centre!
-Knock knock
*Who's there?
-Mary!
*Mary who?
-Merry Christmas

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